Confessions of a (You Name It)

I don't quite get the term for what I am going through right now? So those of you with dictionary thick vocabs could give me a little suggestions here. I am seriously not myself for this month. For good or bad? Honestly, IDK.

There was a period of time, not too long ago, whereby I was able to share every bit of my life with someone. Thick or thin, good or bad. I have to admit that I enjoy sharing my life with someone. Thing have changed and I am kicking myself on how much I couldn't get over it.

Or was it because I was given no motivation to get over it? Most people normally get a huge upset from their partners and that would spur them to move on. Or at least I hope. Mine ended like, nothing ever happened. She made her decision and I followed? More like I didn't have the choice. What am I supposed to do?

I never doubted her but she doubted herself. She had to let me find out the hard way. Yet I guess, it was the best way for me to find out? On Facebook? No confrontation whatsoever. Just a clear indication, "EC, you're now my past."

Is it because it ended to quietly that I still have no idea how to get over it? Everything that we spent together, especially this month, keeps coming back to me. How she would be so tired and yet came all the way from where she stays to where I stayed in KL, just to bring me a birthday cake.

How she would do so many things for me. How I would also do the same. It's not about who's done more but the sincerity. I do sometimes question my own sincerity. I'm sorry for that. Yet I guess I never doubted yours. That silly girl who pretty much decides how my day would be at the time.

It's a struggle for me now. Every time I see her page with pictures of her being (hopefully) happy with someone else. I just felt, that would've been me. But it wasn't. The fact that when I thought I was still her partner, she was already someone else's. I knew nothing about it. I wondered if she ever knew I was going to not get out of this easily.

This year's birthday is so going to be different. Just because I don't have the mood. No anticipation on what "someone" is going to do for me. A short notice to whoever that is planning to do something to me this 21st birthday, I might not be too damn happy about it. I thank you guys for the planning but I really haven't got over this.

So how long has it been now? Probably near 8 months? I lost track. Don't know if she got over the 2 years we spent but she is with someone else now. Not like it was recently but before she even hinted about break-up. She couldn't take the physical distance. Sorry I kept you by my side almost every time that made you got so used to it.

Don't even know if she is reading now. If you are, I'm just trying to say out how I've been these few months. Good but not too good. I hope you are doing far better than I am. You being happy just keeps telling me you made the right choice alright?

I might not be able to even get over you. I just have to live with the fact that you have carved into my memories significantly enough that I have to live with it and move on. I will find a way. I will.

I refrain myself from trying to find a replacement. It would just be unfair for that girl. Until I find a way to love someone with you locked somewhere in my memories, and until some girl accepts this part of me, that would be the day I know I am spending the rest of my life with that girl.

I must say, I really try very hard to find a wife rather than just a girlfriend. Guess now I have to wait much longer to get myself fixed before I even have the chance to get married. Don't starting laughing off about a kid talking about marriage. In fact, I know more about it than most people (adults) thought they do.

I know very well how prepared I am to be committed to someone. I know what comes with marriage. What kind of responsibilities. I know I can have a great family in future. I just know it. I'm being realistic. I'm not dreaming about it because I know it's not a dream.

Marriage is not your funeral if you know what comes with it and have made sure you are up to it.